If you’re anything like me, you entered parenthood with optimism and a belief that you could do it all. You probably read the books, followed the blogs, maybe even prepped freezer meals and took birth and parenting classes. After all, we’re living in the 21st century… surely having it all is within reach, right?

But… that said, it didn’t take long to realize “they” were wrong. What no one tells you is that parenthood, especially for moms, often comes with an invisible backpack full of tasks, stress, and pressure. It’s called the mental load, and it’s exhausting.

This article dives into what the mental load really means, how it manifests in household and family life, and most importantly, how we can begin to shift the balance.

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What Is the Mental Load?

The mental load refers to the ongoing cognitive task of managing a household and family. It’s the behind-the-scenes work that keeps life running smoothly. You might not see it, but it’s always there, buzzing in the background of a mother’s mind.

This includes:

• Planning and scheduling doctor’s appointments
• Anticipating clothing needs for the next season
• Remembering Grandma’s birthday and buying a gift
• Stocking up on toilet paper before it runs out

It’s a type of cognitive and emotional labor that rarely gets acknowledged, even though it plays a critical role in family life. This constant responsibility contributes to moms feeling overwhelmed, even when they’re not “doing” anything visible.

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What Does It Mean to Be the Default Parent?

The default parent is the one who carries the brunt of the mental load and often all the invisible tasks required for the home to function. Whether you’re in a traditional or modern partnership, the default parent is typically the one who:

• Manages the family calendar
• Knows what’s for dinner tonight
• Handles school communications
• Keeps track of birthdays, holidays, and milestone moments
• Is the go-to for bedtime routines, meltdowns, and medical needs

In most households, research shows that women are more likely to be the default parent. And while every couple is different, many men and women alike report an uneven division of labor in the home, especially after children enter the picture.

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The Invisible Labor No One Talks About

So, what exactly is invisible labor?

It’s everything that isn’t seen but still needs to get done. It’s the work that doesn’t end at the end of a workday or get acknowledged with a paycheck. It includes emotional labor, anticipatory thinking, and all the other cognitive tasks that make a home and family function.

Examples of invisible labor and mental labor:

• Coordinating holiday travel plans
• Buying new clothes and donating old ones
• Washing, folding, and putting away laundry
• Stocking the fridge and managing grocery lists
• Monitoring emotional wellbeing of each family member
• Playing therapist, nutritionist, event planner, and referee

Even when household chores are shared, the mental load often remains the sole burden of one parent, usually the mom.

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The Statistics That Make It Real

Let’s put some numbers to this:

1. Women spend an average of two extra hours per day on invisible labor and domestic responsibilities compared to men. Over a year, that’s over 30 full days of unpaid, often unnoticed labor.
2. Nine in ten women say they feel solely responsible for household chores, scheduling, and emotional care. Many report high levels of stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction in their relationships as a result.

The toll isn’t just emotional, it impacts physical health, mental wellbeing, and relationship quality. The burden is real, and ignoring it only adds fuel to the fire.

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Why Open Communication Matters

One of the biggest barriers to shifting the mental load is that it remains unseen. The only way to begin rebalancing it is through open communication.

Many partnerships fail to address the mental load because the non-default parent doesn’t know the extent of what’s being carried. It’s not that your partner doesn’t care; it’s that they don’t see what you’re juggling.

That’s why the first solution is to make the invisible… visible.

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3 Solutions to Lighten the Mental Load

It’s easy to get discouraged when it feels like everything falls short of the ideal. But there are actionable steps you can take to bring more balance to your home life.

1. Make a List of Every Task You Do

Write it all down. From the two-minute school form signings to the deep emotional conversations with your child before bedtime, document it all. This includes the practical planning organizing duties, as well as the emotional labor you carry.

Don’t be surprised if your list is longer than expected, this is part of making the invisible tasks visible.

2. Have an Honest Conversation With Your Partner

Once you’ve made your list, bring it to your partner. Create space for vulnerability and understanding. Let them know you’re feeling overwhelmed, and show them just how much you’re carrying, not to guilt them, but to build awareness and empathy.

Discuss ways to share the household labor more equitably. Maybe your partner takes on planning scheduling for extracurriculars, or starts managing meal planning. Maybe it’s time to rethink who does what based on time, strengths, and energy, not just outdated gender roles.

It’s not about keeping score. It’s about building a team where everyone feels supported.

3. Hire or Build Your Village

If you can afford to offload some tasks, do it. Whether it’s hiring a cleaner once a month or enrolling in a grocery delivery service, every bit helps. Consider support for:

• Childcare or after-school help
• House management or organization support
• Therapy or coaching to help with your own mental labor

You don’t have to do this alone.

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Modeling Healthy Habits for Our Kids

Perhaps one of the most powerful reasons to address the mental load is what it teaches our children. If they grow up seeing one parent carry all the domestic responsibilities while the other stays hands-off, they internalize those roles.

But if we model teamwork, balance, and open communication, we show our children that they can create more equitable households in the future. We teach them that it’s okay to ask for help, and that they don’t have to do it all to be worthy or successful.

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Recognizing the Weight We Carry

Parenting is beautiful, rewarding, and magical, but let’s be honest, it’s also a total kick in the gut sometimes.

The aspects of the mental load, from logistics to emotions, can leave even the strongest among us worn down. And when the division of labor at home is unbalanced, that exhaustion only deepens.

But there is hope. The first step is recognizing the mental and emotional labor you’re doing every day. Then, by taking intentional steps, planning, organizing, and communicating, you can begin to shift the weight.
You’re not imagining it. The mental load is real. And you don’t have to carry it alone.

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P.S. Ready to lighten your mental load—for real this time?

If you’re craving real, lasting support at home but feel overwhelmed by the idea of finding and hiring the right help, you’re not alone… and you don’t have to do it yourself. 

Our Hiring Service is designed to take the stress off your shoulders by handling the entire process for you. From sourcing and vetting top-tier candidates to scheduling interviews, running background checks, and supporting onboarding, we take care of every detail. You’ll also receive a  Home Systems Playbook to set your household up for long-term success. Learn more here.

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Frequently Asked Questions: Understanding the Mental Load: Why Moms Are Exhausted

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If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy: 

• 25 Gifts for Busy Moms (That She Won’t Return or Re-Gift… Probably)
• It Takes a Village: Why Moms Were Never Meant to Do It All Alone
• Breaking Free from the Mental Load: Redefining Motherhood on Our Terms

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